And Grace My Fears Relieved

As I was raising my children I was conscientious about every little thing.  I know that I am not alone in this. Even though I was not the "seasoned" Christian that I am today, I still had a very real understanding that I was entrusted with three of God's precious children, and that he loved them infinitely more than I ever could, and that my great responsibility was to raise them up to love and serve Him.  Of course I thought that every detail was crucial, like every true control freak would!

I was mindful of what they ate, what they heard (of course no foul language or ungodly music), what they saw (only kid friendly movies and tv in our house...and if it can be Christian themed singing vegetables...all the better!)

 I was very deliberate in their discipline. I had a system. Dr. Dobson advised that spanking was reserved for "direct defiance", and I agreed. When a child was spanked they new the predetermined penalty for that offence. It was important to me to spank under control and not spank while angry. Always reaffirming my love with hugs and prayers to comfort them.

When the boys were babies I chose to stay home. I wanted to be the primary influence on my children. I wanted to train them up to love and honor the Lord, to teach them the values that my husband and I viewed as very important, and to teach them that they were the most important things in our lives, so much more than a larger bank account that my working would provide.

 When it came to education, I felt that the Lord would have me teach them at home, so I could be absolutely sure that they were taught a biblical worldview.Who could meet their individual needs better than the one who knows and loves them the most?

 I do not regret a minute of it! I am so grateful God allowed me the freedom to raise my kids in a greenhouse, where they could be protected from the cold hard world, and nurtured until they were able to stand in the storms of life. With deep roots and a strong trunk like a mighty oak tree.

Funny...I am now facing the possibility of bringing into my family, my heart, and my home three children that have not had the privilege of this type of sweet childhood. The blessing of parents who love Jesus, and  want to protect and love their children. We are adopting children, you can read more here. I am sure they have seen, heard and experienced things in their short little lives, that I would have been mortified if my children had only seen on tv.  I wasn't there to cover their eyes, kiss the boo-boos, tell the stories, say the prayers... No one chased away the bad-guys. There weren't any hugs and prayers after a spanking...no understanding.  No safe haven.  They never knew they were the most important thing to anyone.  

No one said "I love you the most!" because no one did...EXCEPT ONE-Jesus did and Jesus does!

I have enjoyed the blessing of the fruit of my labor-of-love, called motherhood.  Many over the years have asked questions or made comments like..."you have such sweet kids", "they are so well behaved", "how do you get your boys to not fight?" (haven't heard that one in a while) And just living with them for the most part has been the greatest joy I could ever imagine...they are truly two wonderful young men and one wonderful young woman!  I am blessed beyond measure and I am thankful.

Am I ready for the challenges that will come with these three children?   A girl and two boys...just like before.  No. Not like before. These children will have special needs. They will be damaged. They will be broken and hurting.  They will not love us for a long time...if ever.  They may never really trust us.  They may hate us for taking them.  They may try to turn my husband and me against each other, and make us hate our birth children. They will lie.  They will throw temper tantrums. They may spit on us, and hit us. They may harm our dogs. They will cuss us out and talk about things that have never been spoken of in our home. Maybe they will try to run away, steal, destroy our personal possessions, hurt us when they are angry, which may be most of the time.  People will not want to visit our home anymore.  I will not hear the sweet compliments of friends on the behavior of our angelic children. School, oh, I don't even know what to imagine about school. I have...fading to had...dreams of homeschooling again, I miss it so much!  My peaceful quiet sanctuary-like home will never be the same.

But God...He is so rich in mercy and grace!  I don't know if He is going to give us these children, I kind of think He is...but until June 13th I can't be sure.  About 2 weeks ago we went from not really knowing anything about the children to knowing enough about them, that if we are given these kids we are going to be stretched further that we ever thought we could handle...BUT God!  He will never leave us or forsake us.  I trust that he loves them as much as He loves Jake, Josh and Bree.  So why did they have the rough childhood, and all the suffering and pain that they have endured?  Only God knows all the answers...but what I do know is this.  They will bring challenges that only in God's grace will our family be able to face.  We will have to rely on Jesus to get us through everything that loving these kids will bring into our lives and home.  We will have calloused knees, tear stained cheeks, and worn out Bibles!  I just know that my relationship with Jesus Christ is going to have to grow stronger than it ever has been!  And I know that if my faith in God grows and my love for Jesus grows then I will be a better wife, better mom, better woman, better everything!  And that God will get all the glory for the miracle he is going to do in the children, in our family, and in me!

I am clinging on to the theme verse for this blog (among others) ...Jeremiah 29:11 says something like this, God has thoughts toward me of peace and not of evil to give me an expected end.   Then I shall call on him and pray to him and he will hearken unto me!!    Then I will seek him and I will find him when I shall search for him with all my heart!

I am not ready for these challenges...but I trust that my God is able, His grace is sufficient...and he loves me far more that the sparrow...these challenges are gifts, blessings, not cursings....I will have the opportunity to be conformed more and more into the image of Christ through the refining He is surely going to do in my life. I am weirdly excited and scared at the same time...it is like that feeling right before you get onto a roller coaster!

It will be so worth it!